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A Year Ago(ish)

A year ago this week I heard five words from a person that changed my life forever. Those words “I can’t do this anymore”, cut like a knife. Three and a half years and everything changed sitting in the parking lot of a restaurant not yet open for the day. A-flipping-parking-lot. I had wanted to say similar words but never found the right time. There were always too many people around or not enough time to have an honest conversation about why those words were being said. In that moment I wish I had made the time. I wish I had force myself to have the conversation even if it meant telling family and friends we had to leave wherever it was we were at that moment.
In that moment, while hurt beyond belief because no one wants to be told they aren’t wanted, more than I was hurt I was angry. Angry that he said it first. Angry that we were having this conversation in a parking lot and then continued it while driving 65MPH down I35.

Do I wish things were different?
Do I wish I could go back?
Do I wish it was all a dream?
Do I regret any of it?

Depends on the day. Some days I wish things were different that we had had the conversation sooner and tried harder (or differently) to be for each other what we needed to be. Some days I wish I could go back, to several weeks before that conversation in the parking lot. I wish I could go back and shout at the top of my lungs “What is going on with us?!? We need to figure it out neither of us is happy and you know it.” Some days I wish I would wake up to find out it was all a dream and we are happy (and maybe even married).

Even though it is unlikely he’ll read this, I need to say- thank you, thank you for loving me in all the ways that you did, I have become a stronger woman because of you.

And because of that even on the days that begin or end with tears, I don’t regret a minute of our life together. I don’t regret the time spent with my family or his. I don’t regret the road trips, the days at the lake, the nights at the derbies (even if they weren’t my most favorite thing to do). I don’t regret the laughter or even the tears. I don’t regret that we tried to try again and we still ended up walking away from each other. I don’t regret loving you.
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