Skip to main content

A Year Ago(ish)

A year ago this week I heard five words from a person that changed my life forever. Those words “I can’t do this anymore”, cut like a knife. Three and a half years and everything changed sitting in the parking lot of a restaurant not yet open for the day. A-flipping-parking-lot. I had wanted to say similar words but never found the right time. There were always too many people around or not enough time to have an honest conversation about why those words were being said. In that moment I wish I had made the time. I wish I had force myself to have the conversation even if it meant telling family and friends we had to leave wherever it was we were at that moment.
In that moment, while hurt beyond belief because no one wants to be told they aren’t wanted, more than I was hurt I was angry. Angry that he said it first. Angry that we were having this conversation in a parking lot and then continued it while driving 65MPH down I35.

Do I wish things were different?
Do I wish I could go back?
Do I wish it was all a dream?
Do I regret any of it?

Depends on the day. Some days I wish things were different that we had had the conversation sooner and tried harder (or differently) to be for each other what we needed to be. Some days I wish I could go back, to several weeks before that conversation in the parking lot. I wish I could go back and shout at the top of my lungs “What is going on with us?!? We need to figure it out neither of us is happy and you know it.” Some days I wish I would wake up to find out it was all a dream and we are happy (and maybe even married).

Even though it is unlikely he’ll read this, I need to say- thank you, thank you for loving me in all the ways that you did, I have become a stronger woman because of you.

And because of that even on the days that begin or end with tears, I don’t regret a minute of our life together. I don’t regret the time spent with my family or his. I don’t regret the road trips, the days at the lake, the nights at the derbies (even if they weren’t my most favorite thing to do). I don’t regret the laughter or even the tears. I don’t regret that we tried to try again and we still ended up walking away from each other. I don’t regret loving you.

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Changing of the Seasons

"I don't like this cold..." SERIOUSLY not even two weeks ago some of the same people who are saying this were more recently saying "I can't stand this heat, I wish it was cooler." You got your wish, quit complaining!  Why is it we are never happy in the moment? It is too hot, too cold, too boring, too silly, too dry, too wet, too overwhelming, not overwhelming enough...the list continues. As I sit in my office this afternoon, reflecting on the past few week's events (funerals, Sunday school starting, children and youth activities starting, countless meetings, and moments(very few moments) of silence) I hear in the back of my mind a voice not my own reciting the beginning of Ecclesiastes 3     1  For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:  2  a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;  3  a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break do...
2 comments
Read more

Almost Back to Reality

In this final few days of sabbatical as I begin to re-enter “the real world”, I want to thank each of you who have prayed for and with me over these almost 60 days. I have spent time over these past two months reflecting on eleven years of ministry and know that God continues to call me to this extraordinarily beautiful life with all of the highs and lows of working with, living with, and loving Gods people. I am looking forward to these last few days however my heart and soul are ready to be back with the wonderful people of First Christian Church and Oskaloosa! See you very soon. Week Nine Hope for the week:  I hope the people I have been away from are as excited to see me as I am to see them! Is there an Answer (last week’s question): How many pages will I write for my devotion/resource? It is hard to say how many pages have been written, however I made progress in outline, structure, and worship ideas. Question of the Week:...
2 comments
Read more

Words from the Board...Bulletin Board that is

I have a bulletin board hanging on my office wall; it has various things thumb tacked to it. At some point each of the things hanging there were important to me. I suppose since they are still hanging there even after making a 740 mile move cross country, they are still important. The things hanging on this board vary in shape, size, meaning, and appearance. A Chalice sun catcher, a map of the church, several cards from family and friends, a picture of my paternal grandparents in front of the "Arc de Triumph" during WWII, my father’s obituary, the preaching schedule, and a couple crosses…just to name a few. When I am sitting at my desk, this bulletin board is on my left; every time I glance at it the same thing catches my eye. I am always drawn to the same card. I believe I received this card at my Ordination and if memory serves I received three or four of this same card that day. The card reads; “Be who you are. Do what you love. Make a difference. Change the world.” ...
2 comments
Read more