The Fourth Day of July

The day started like any other day off from that summer at Camp Cedar. We loaded into 2 cars and headed to Portland for a day of fun. Time to unwind from the crazy and chaotic world of camp!
The day was perfect not super hot but sunny with a nice breeze, perfect for Maine I would say. We decided to go back to camp earlier than normal to enjoy some of the 4th of July festivities that had been planned for camp that day. I was sitting down by the lake with some other counselors when my friend Matt came to tell me I was needed in the main house office.

I walked in the office and all the heads of staff were sitting there with solemn looks on their faces. First I thought something had happened to my brother. He walked in the room just as the thought passed through my mind. I don't remember who said it but I remember what they said. Those words "you have a phone call from home" echo in my ears even now.

When I picked up the receiver I expected to hear my dad on the other end, his voice strong and unwavering like it always was, saying something like "Ben…Annie…I'm sorry to have to tell you this over the phone but grandma died last night." That is what I expected, that is what I was prepared to hear. But when I picked up the receiver before the words were even out I knew that wasn't what I was going to hear. I wasn't going to hear those words because it was mom on the other end. I knew in an instant that something had happened to my dad. I knew this because that is the only reason my mom would have been on the phone was because he couldn't be.

My mom has never been able to share bad news very well (sorry mom, it’s true).  I don't really remember what she said because as soon as I heard the words "Annie it's mom" the phone hit the desk and I hit the floor. I remember arms embracing me and my brother crying "NO!!". There I was curled up on the floor with a knot the size of a soccer ball in my stomach, unable to move or speak, unable to comprehend what was being said to me.  When I was able to pick the phone up again, my Aunt was on the other end. She said 3 things to me. "This really sucks, the camp has taken care of a hotel for tonight and your flight home in the morning, we will be together soon.”

My brother and I hung up the phone and stood in the office hugging and crying. Again not able to move and speak because what do you do when you are almost 800 miles from home and you get this kind of news. What do you do? I will tell you what you do, you stand and hug the family that is with you or the people who have become like family even in a matter of weeks. You take a deep breath, wipe your eyes, grab the hand of a friend who has become for the moment like a sister, and you go to your cabin and pack your stuff.

The rest of that night is really a blur. I know I saw fireworks from a distance as VJ, the head nurse at camp drove us to the hotel by the airport. I know I made some phone calls when we got to the hotel, but I don’t remember who I called. I know I didn't sleep and when the alarm went off at 4am we both stumbled to the lobby like zombies. It was the longest flight of my life (and I have been on 24 hour flights since this flight and it is still the LONGEST flight of my life.)

The most unexpected part of everything that happened that day 10 years ago, in undoubtedly the darkest moment of life, working 800 miles from home, with people I had only known for about 6 weeks, I found an inner strength I didn't know I had. I discovered that I have the capacity within myself (undeniably from my faith in God) to carry on. In the moments, no not just the moments but the years that have followed the words I finally heard my mom say to me that fourth day of July in 2003 “Annie…daddy died today.” I have learned that to carry on does not mean to forget. To carry on does not mean to let go. To carry on MEANS to embrace your inner strength, despite the circumstances and situations you find yourself in, and live on for those who are no longer living.

I miss you daddy and I always will but I am learning to live on because I know I learned it from you(and mom too).